1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Film:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?.

We're moving out June 4th. :]

I am so over it already.

I really hate thinking about my past. It's always a downward spiral that never leads anywhere good. I try to avoid it at all costs, but today... It was inevitable. It's hard to think about my father in a good way. I loved him, but I also hated him. I have a hard time accepting that most of the time. How could you hate your father? My heart is torn between it. It was a saddening relief when he passed. It meant no more pain, no more suffering. No more coming home and wondering if this was going to be the night; If tomorrow you would still be there. It's maddening.

He took my life away from me. I have raised myself since the age of 6, or maybe before. I don't remember much other than blotches. Therapists say that I have blocked out my memories from either shock or supression. The earliest I can remember was at age four, before my father started drinking. All I remember is being in a go-cart with my father and going around a track, passing by my brother... The next is at age six, weeks before he started drinking heavily. My parents woke me up at 4am with the truck packed to go to the beach. They shot fireworks off the pier for me, and we spent a couple days there. After that... Nothing. All I have are bad memories, and I can't link them together. Usually, I can't remember anything at all. Certain things trigger certain memories. Words, phrases, facial expressions... Even a passing person can spark something mentally that sends me crashing to the floor. I think that's what causes my panic attacks. I also think it's the reason I feel nothing most of the time, like I'm a robot that's only purpose is to fill my spot while I'm away.

The worst thing is the jealousy. I see little kids and their parents every day at work. It kills me. Everyday, it etches away at my heart, and leaves me reeling. Why couldn't I have had that? Why was I always dragged into the middle of their arguements? Why did I have to have the drunk, abusive father? Why did I have to have the mother that was always mentally absent? I have many questions in my head. They make me choke every time they come to mind. Why did I have to end up in the fucked up family? Why couldn't I be the next door neighbors? Things like that are never supposed to happen to you, they're supposed to happen to someone else. I hate it. Hate, pain, suffering. Those are the three words that have sumed up the whole of my life.

I also find myself having to be strong for everyone else. When is someone going to be strong for me? When is someone going to back me up for once? That's why I am my own back-up. No one else can be that for me. I take care of myself, and I always have.

Well, Saturday my brother came over. We went out to eat with Stephanie at lunch for her birthday. Shaun couldn't come because he was out of town in Saluda. After lunch, I went to work until 6, then went with Steph, Jon, Pam, and Kira to Joe's Crab Shack to celebrate her birthday. She had to get up and spell her name with her ass in the air. It was fun. After I got out of there, I got a phone call telling me that my brother had told my mother all kinds of things that I had told him. Of course, I didn't want her to know that I smoked and things like that. >_> It was pretty irritating, and I wanted to punch him in the face when I got home. I got over it though. It wasn't the first time he's done it. I got to see Shaun when I got home.

Sunday was my day off, and Chuck, Shaun and I went to Gene's for lunch. Chuck wasn't feeling well, and I had to drive his huge Tahoe back to the house. After that, he ended up having to go to the hospital for his heart. They told him they were going to transport him to Charleston and he would have no way back. He told them no and signed the papers to leave. As soon as he got home, my mom convinced him to go to St. Francis hospital. After sitting there for a while, Shaun called me and told me he had to kick out the bathroom door because he got stuck in there. I had to go home and try to help him fix it. We went to Home Depot and saw Wes, and I bought some stuff for the door. We got home and couldn't get the door fixed, so we gave up and went to O'Charleys and ate. Next, I went to the hospital and sat with Chuck until he finally got out at 11pm. His doctor was stupid and talked in riddles.

 

Yesterday was pretty much uneventful. Chuck and I cleaned the house, and we went with Buck and Sonja to Stevie B's. We went to their apartment afterwards and played the Wii (Mario Party) and I won. >:P

So far today, I didn't want to get out of bed to take Shaun to work, and I went to Gene's. On my way home, I got pulled over for doing 60 in a 55 and got 2 points off my license and $82.00 in fines. I also got a warning because my insurance card was 5 days expired. I hate the police.

Continuing...

Well, my grandmother died today while I was at work. Bell went and worked for me, and I'm thankful for that. It was hard having to face children who were collecting eggs and wanting cookies with tears in your eyes. Hmmm.

I also found out what my youngest brother went to jail for. For rape. It's the most disturbing thing I think I've ever heard in my life...

What do you do when everything is falling apart around you?

I'm crippling at the semes.

Don't know how much I can take of this until it finally hits the ground...

 

Well, my brother's heart surgery went well. He's back to work now.

Yesterday was good. I woke up early, took Shaun to work, then went and got Sonja from her house. We went up to Gene's and ate breakfast, and I dropped her off at the doctor at 11, picking her up at 12. From there we went to Wal-mart, to get Shaun, then to her place. And I got to ride my first motorcycle with Buck =D! I'm getting one as soon as possible. It was the most amazing experiance I have ever had in my life. Other than that, we chilled. Today, I'm going to go get either an Industrial, or a conch. I'm not sure which yet. o_0 I really need to decide before I get up there with Sonja. She's getting a conch done, but they seem a little too painful for me at the moment. I've never had a cartiledge piercing before, so it's going to be completely new... And my mom is going to hate it. =D

Shaun and I have the house to ourselves for the weekend, so that might also prove to be nice.

I'm going back to bed now... =P

Life is going pretty shitty right now. Just this year so far, I've lost two uncles, one aunt is in the hospital dying, another aunt has pancreatic cancer, and now my brother has to have heart surgery on Tuesday. My boss isn't believing me, I know she isn't. She keeps asking everyone what is going on with me and shit. It's kind of stupid...

Other than that, I'm done with a lot of my friends. I'm not naming any, but I'm done trying with them. I don't see the point when they won't give me the time of day, or leave me hanging. It's fucking retarded, but I'm over it.

Other than that... Life sucks. Haha. I can't get back into school.

Sigh.

I had the most amazing dream.

Basically, Shaun and I were vampires, and we would meet and feed. He had yellow cat eyes. I would sneak into his room everynight, and his parents would never know. He had a completely white room; White walls, bed, floor, furniture. He also had three dogs, including a miniture pitbull. XD

Anyway, one night when we had come back from feeding, he pulled me into his arms and told me how precious I was, how much he loved me, and how he could never live without me. That I was his life, ect. And in the dream, I went through everyone I had ever had a crush on, wanted to be with, and who I was with. And I decided that he would be the only one for me, ever. End of story. He was my soul mate.

It was amazing. Best dream I have ever had. Ever. <3

And thinking back on it, it's true. We are soul mates.

When I met him, I was completely in love with another person, and it was love at first sight. He was all I could see/want. It's a crazy feeling to find your certain someone. =)

So, Pegs, you don't have to worry about what we talked about.

Anywho, onto an update. We're supposed to be going down to Ethan and Eric's today to do some Battletech stuff. I'm excited, because I love playing BT, and I love seeing the two of them. Other than that, I don't have major plans today... Uhh...

I went and sat in the IRS office this morning and finally got my forms from 2007. I finished my FASFA, so it's in. Unfortunetly, my insurance has been cancelled. So, I don't know what I'm going to do about medicine and things like that. It'll get figured out hopefully. =\

I met up with Misty yesterday and she gave me the lingerie I ordered, along with another piece that I am going to buy from her. It's cute.

Mother is really irritable today... Other than that, I guess everything is as okay as it can be.

I'll start with the bad, and move to the good.

Mom is out of town with her brother. They said he's not going to make it past Wednesday. I wasn't really close to him, but I don't like seeing my mother sad/crying.

Next thing is, I feel abandoned by my friends, and I'm getting jealous because Shaun has people to talk too. It's making me irritable, because he's talking to my friends.

The guy who told me he was inlove with me confronted Shaun. He told him that it would only be a matter of time before I left Shaun and went with him. Haha. That's fucking hilarious. The guy needs to lay off the pot.

I'll finish later.

Yeah. Seriously, I'm telling you. My family is cursed. It's absolutely ridiculous.

My grandmother is dying because her heart muscles are failing. Plus, DSS is coming out next week to take John Michael because she's been lying to the school saying that she's been taking him out early to go to North Carolina. If my mom can't get custody of him, he's going into a foster home.

Ronnie's cancer has spread to his stomach. There's nothing they can do now.

I don't fucking get it. I hate being in pain all the time. That's why I have no emotion when it comes to shit like this. It's fucking retarded. And people think I'm heartless on goddamn purpose....

I'm scared that something is going to take my mother away.
If that happens, they'll have to stick me in an asylum.

Well, just found out that my grandmother's heart is failing. We think she's willing herself to die, because she sleeps and doesn't eat...

We've got to get intouch with my sister so she can take John Michael...

Sigh.

Sooo. Mom went to the doctor today, and she has a skin disease ontop of her cancer. Her hands are deterorating, and they said if she doesn't start going to her treatments that she'll loose control of the nerves in her hands, thus removing her chance of using them ever again. Also, her cancer could spread all over her body. All this could happen in less than a year.

Also, I would have been working 9 days straight if it wasn't for the funeral. That's pretty sad.

Shaun has a cold. I want him to feel better =[

Other than that... Life goes on.

Now I finally feel like updating.

Today thoroughly and utterly sucked. I got no sleep last night, woke up at 6am, and went to work. It was a long day. I eventually went to use the bathroom (When I finally got a fucking break) and checked my messages on my phone. Texted Shaun, texted Lisa, then saw that my mom called twice. I called her back, and she was crying, not telling me what was wrong. I had to basically pull it out of her that Donnie had died. That was a hard blow. I was planning on going to see him soon because he had just been put in the a nursing home and paralyzed. He was my favorite uncle. It's bullshit. This is the third death in my family in the past year. What the fuck. And people wonder why I don't believe in the Christian God. He's never done anything for me except take, take, take. Fuck him.

Couldn't get in touch with Shaun all day, and when he finally calls me, I'm getting off break. After all day at work, I get off and call my mom. Turns out my second favorite uncle, Ronnie, has his cancer back, and doesn't have much longer either. What the FUCK. I don't goddamn get it.

Also, I've pretty much given up on trying to rekindle Peggy and I's relationship. I wanted so badly to be friends again, to have that bond. I give up. What's the point if you're never able to hang out, be responded to or even call her?

On top of all that, everyone thinks I've made of money and all this bullshit. I'm stressed out and everyone needs to back the fuck off before I snap.

Another thing is, I'm fucking pissed off with my life. I don't like where it's going, and I don't even know where to start in order to fix it. It's a downward cycle. I mean, Jesus Christ. Can't someone give me a break somewhere?

Don't really feel like updating, but...

My uncle died this morning, and another uncle's cancer came back.

Eh.

It's only noon...

I made more than I thought I would on my paycheck.
I woke up this morning.
Shaun woke up this morning.
It's sunny today.
My car is running.
Parents woke up this morning.
Friends woke up this morning.
Uhh... No world apocalypse today.

Ha.

...And it all fades to black.